Steven Wright – the Thinking Person’s Quote

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It seems as if nearly everyone who experiences anything out of the ordinary brands it “surreal”. Well, August is the month for surreal, so in keeping with not having to think very hard during summer months, I continue to provide a collection of great one-liners.

The first are some of the quotes I like best from Steven Wright, and a few from Emo Phillips – both of whose comedy could well be described as surreal. Enjoy.

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”
“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
“What is the speed of dark?”
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”
“You can’t have everything … where would you put it?”
“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ”
“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”
“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”
“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”
The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

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And a comedian somewhat along the same lines, Emo Phillips

“When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me … and I got it!”
“So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.”

And, although this is not a one-liner, it was voted the 44th funniest joke of all time.

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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

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